Omicron: the sad little variant that nobody cared about

Omicron must feel very sad and dejected right now. It pops up, bold as brass, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to inconvenience literally everyone, and nobody outside of the political world seems to care. Not like Delta, who was lavished with all the public care and attention in the world for it's big debut. But the public reaction to Omicron has mostly been a "oh no! anyway...", as everyone looked up briefly, and then went right back to their normal lives. And all the while government heads explode into clouds of half-baked ideas of lockdowns and masks and boosters and social distancing and cancelling crimbo (goes on for hours) and the media begins to froth at the mouth, comparing it to an army of Epstein-Cosby hybrids that eat puppies, invading from all sides. Both groups cannot fathom why we are no longer taking them seriously, and the answer is that well...that's what they do every day. Every day it's more scary nonsense and civil overreactions, as the Tory party loudly overcompensates in an attempt to save face, and we're frankly tired of it all. Nobody wants more masks. Nobody wants more social distancing. Nobody wants more nosey Karens interrogating people with exemptions in poundland (yes this did happen to me, and I took it as a brilliant opportunity to liberally insult her before informing her that my medical history was, legally speaking, none of her business).

Another thing that really doesn't help Omi's case that no really guys it's just so scary is that everyone can tell it's a faker. This guy's obviously trying to fake it 'til he makes it, but he's kinda shit at it, like Milli Vanilli or any K-Pop group post-BTS. Prof Calum Semple, a SAGE scientist and senior lecturer at Liverpool, says vaccines are "still likely to protect you from severe disease". When asked by the BBC whether people should be fearful of the new variant, Prof Semple, who sits on the UK government's Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies, told BBC Breakfast: "This is not a disaster, and the headlines from some of my colleagues saying 'this is horrendous' I think are hugely overstating the situation". And yet her we are, with the government loudly overcompensating, regardless of who it inconveniences or what industry it harms, like a man in a VW polo with the largest of exhausts and the tiniest of peckers, doing laps through a residential area at 3am. I think the message to the government is very clear: SHUT UP. Because nobody wants to hear it.

In other news, did you know that "Omicron" is an anagram for "Moronic"?